This blog printed on 100% recycled electrons.
The good folks of Madison and the great state of South Dakota have given me plenty to write about in 2006, and I'm sure they'll keep up the good work through 2007. But if I could wave my magic wand and conjure up news of my own, here are the ten biggest South Dakota stories I'd like to be able to comment on in 2007:
10. Rounds Endorses Replacing Property Tax with Corporate Income Tax
--Says Governor Rounds, "It's time Wal-Mart and Citibank paid their fair share for the highly educated workforce our tax dollars provide."
9. Madison Abandons Marketing Campaign; Banners Recycled to Fill Potholes
--"$100,000 a year, for banners?!" gasped Mayor Gene Hexom. "What were we thinking? We can get more bang for the buck paying kids to shovel snow and mow the city parks."
8. Rounds Commutes Death Sentences to Life in Prison; Legislature Follows by Banning Capital Punishment
7. Camp Lakodia Purchases Land, Donates to Nature Conservancy
--Entire south side of Lake Herman now off limits to further residential and commercial development.
6. Krabbenhoft Abandons Viking Dreams, Donates Personal Fortune to Schools, Speech Programs
--Sioux Valley Hospital CEO says education, not sports, real basis for community development. "Besides, the Vikings stink!"
5. South Dakota Implements Statewide Universal Health Coverage; Businesses and Young Professionals Flock to State
--"We've been shouting 'Live baby good, dead baby bad' at all the pro-life rallies," says Representative Roger Hunt of Brandon. "I figured it's time for us to put our money where our pro-life mouth is. Besides, universal health coverage will save South Dakotans millions."
4. Legislature Mandates School De-Consolidation
--Citing "educational advantage of smaller schools," Governor Rounds signs into law requirement that Sioux Falls, Rapid City, Aberdeen, and 12 other districts split into autonomous districts with enrollment no greater than 600 by July 1, 2009.
3. Highway Patrol Reports Quiet New Year's/Prom/Graduation Weekend
--"How do we explain the complete absence of DUI accidents and fatalities among our teenagers in 2007?" asks Secretary Tom Dravland of the South Dakota Department of Public Safety. "Is it our Parents Matter program? Is it parents putting a stop to teen drinking? Is it kids themselves finally getting sick of losing their friends for no reason? Who knows... and who cares, as long as our kids live long and happy lives?"
2. No Abortion Bills in 2007 Legislature
--"We're too busy," says Leslee Unruh, leader of the newly renamed Abstinence (from Political Grandstanding) Clearinghouse. "Feeding children, helping single mothers, promoting comprehensive health education -- who has time for politics?"
1. Pitchfork Revolution -- South Dakota Evicts Corporate Farms, Goes 100% Organic
--Brandishing pitchforks and copies of Kirkpatrick Sale's Human Scale, South Dakota farmers celebrated the Legislature's unanimous passage of land reform abolishing corporate farms and non-organic farming practices. "Farm Bill Schmarm Bill!" cried jubilant ex-legislator turned farm-revolutionary Gerry Lange of Madison. "With our organic meat and produce feeding our own people and filling high-end markets, we won't need any more farm subsidies!" When asked where South Dakota would find the workforce necessary to sustain the sudden increase in the number of smaller farms and the more labor-intensive, non-technological practices of organic farming, Lange pointed to the thousands of South Dakota ex-pats flocking back to the state to enjoy the recently passed universal health care program and the unparalleled quality of life. "So many good things are happening in South Dakota," said Lange, "that everyone wants to be a part of it."
Drinking Liberally Update (11/15/2024)
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In Politics: Nationally: The Election is over and the wrong side won. I
have nothing to contribute to the barrels of ink being used by Pundits to
explain a...
2 days ago
From your lips (fingers?) to God's ears!
ReplyDelete10. US Supreme Court rules that teaching Intelligent Design in high school really isn't anything close to establishing a religion.
ReplyDelete--"What were we thinking?" says Justice Ginsburg. "Which morons thought that talking about the abstract notion of a possible designer to life actually constituted a state religion? Besides, as JS Mill tells us, teaching both sides is good for education, even if we think the argument has been thoroughly refuted."
9. Alpha Blast sells 1 million copies; United States witnesses golden age of correct spelling and broadened vocabulary
--"Didn't see that coming," says its creator.
8. Jack Frost retires to Florida; South Dakota is a perpetually pleasant 74 degrees
--"That's roughly 23.33 degrees Celsius," says meteorologist Shawn Cable in each weather bulletin.
7. Entropy quits attacking roads David Bergan travels on
--"I guess the second law of thermodynamics doesn't apply to tar anymore," says Steven Hawking.
6. Health care becomes afforable for the uninsured
--"We have been hiring way too many extra staff, ordering unnecessary lab tests, and putting money into things like the local symphony and complimentary valet service that aren't even remotely related to health care," says the Sioux Valley Hospital CFO. "No one should have to take out a second mortgage to give birth to a child... as a species, childbirth was the first medical procedure we've learned."
5. Politicians stop trying to do things for the sake of doing something
--"It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem," says wise person GK Chesterton.
4. All Christians in the public light stop sinning and preaching about bad things
--On January 2 Bono said, "I just talked with every living self-described Christian who appears on television or in front of a congregation. They said that as-of today, they will have a self-imposed ban on television solicitation, preaching anything out of the Book of Revelations (past chapter 3), or ever ever ever referring to other people possibly going to Hell. Someone told them it's not for them to judge, so they are going to stick with the message of grace, hope, charity, and faith that helps people in their struggles. They also promised to stop getting involved in adultery, prostitution, drug use, pedophilia, the seven deadly sins, and preaching about worldly prosperity. Moreover, they're going to help out with social causes like AIDS and poverty-stricken school districts."
3. Nobody has sex until they are married.
--"Hey this makes a lot of sense," said a generic teenager. "Now I can focus on a good education and quality career rather than weekend parties, STDs, and child support. And look, no one will have any abortions! Why didn't we think of this earlier?"
2. Muslims call off Jihads, forever
--"We started this war so long ago, no one really remembers why," said Osama bin Laden. "I just played a game of Civ 4, and realized that when your nation is perpetually fighting war, you have no time for culture or knowledge... all it really accomplishes is that it pisses off the other leaders. There's no future in that. All Muslims nations are going the way of Switzerland... beating our swords into cheese factories."
1. The 1988 Bonneville becomes the coolest car ever
"With 30 miles per gallon, and an average of 300,000 for the original engine and trany, we knew it had quality under the hood," says lucky owner David Bergan. "However for a while there we were concerned that its looks were fad-ish, and that other sports cars had a cooler feel. Finally, after 19 years the 88 has become the eternal standard of vehicular awesomeness. Melita will never ask me about new cars again."
I have to agree with Coralhei on the news items he would like to see this year. It would sure be nice if the legislature would discuss important things this year.
ReplyDelete