Answer a Silly Question, Become the Next Unabomber

Note: The Madville Times herein spreads pure speculation about pure foolishness.

I must be a bad influence: another former student of mine is in trouble with the law -- not just the locals, but maybe the feds. Mark R. Walker, 25, is charged with making a false report to authorities, even though he didn't make any report to authorities, after a false bomb threat closed down Madison's Wells Fargo Bank and the post office Wednesday afternoon. Here are the going press accounts:

1. "Madison Man Charged with False Reporting to Police," KJAMRadio, 2007.12.20
2. "Bomb Threat Made at Wells Fargo Bank," KJAMRadio.com, 2007.12.20
3. Chuck Clement, "Madison Man Accused of Making Bomb Threat," Madison Daily Leader, 2007.12.20.

KJAM says Walker told a Wells Fargo teller that the package he was carrying contained a bomb. The teller then saw Walker leave and walk toward the post office. Walker evidently did take the package to the post office and hand it over to be mailed. None of the press accounts suggest that he said the word "bomb" or made any other threatening moves at the post office: according to MDL, postal workers didn't know anything was up until Madison police came to the post office and asked if Walker had mailed a package.

That timeline could be important: if Walker didn't make any threat or comment at the post office itself, he might be able to evade federal charges, which postal inspector Adel Valdes says they are looking into.

Now the Madville Times didn't have the good fortune of being at the bank or post office to get evacuated, and we haven't had the pleasure of a chat with Mark recently. However, knowing Mark, and knowing bank tellers, we can easily imagine the following scenario:

1. Mark walks into Wells Fargo to get some cash to pay for postage for the Playstation DCI eventually found with their x-ray machine in the package of concern.
2. Cheerful teller, happily processing his request, makes the marketing small talk tellers are trained to make in order to make banking a cozy emotional experience and thus improve bank profits by 0.93%. (Their chitter-chatter can get a little out of hand: one day a bank teller, handling a deposit for me, asked what the folks who'd written the check were paying me for. I just smiled.) The teller asks, "Oh, so what's in the package?"
   
3. Mark, intolerant of empty social gestures, thinks to himself that he doesn't want to be rude and say, "None of your damn business."
4. Mark, unfortunately also a smart aleck, instead says, "Oh, it's a bomb."
5. Madison enjoys a slight uptick in sales tax revenue as Sioux Falls Police, ATF, DCI, and probably a couple secret Homeland Security agents come to Madison for a quick x-ray and supper.

You know I think you're an o.k. guy, Mark, but I guess I should have made this clear in English class, too: No matter how silly the bank teller's question is, you don't say bomb. You don't say bombastic. You don't say bombardier jacket. There are better ways to boost Madison's publicity and tourism revenue. And one smart aleck comment is not worth jail.

Well, there our quixotic shout-out to the little guy for the day -- back to the news! (And I'll let you know if ATF, DCI, or DHS comes to chat with me about my association with such nefarious characters.)